Jared: The Butcher of Song

Publisher: Freeverse Software
Platform: Classic MacOS
Release Date: c1995
Media: However you can get it
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Jared wasn’t Freeverse’s only software toy. Here’s a quick look at some of the others:

Sim Stapler

Every 10 staples rewards you with a hearty “Splendid!”

Sim Hole Punch

Live that dream job of light clerical work.

Menu Madness

Actually fairly useful. Can’t decide what to eat? Menu Madness chooses for you.

Jared’s rise to fame began in the mid-nineties with the recording of a very bad rendition of “Luna de Xelaju”. Rumor has it that the song was produced as a birthday gift for his mother and never meant for public ears. Jared’s brothers, Colin and Ian of Freeverse Software, then iconified his song with… an icon, of a yellow face mouthing the words. Jared’s voice spread like a virus throughout a growing Internet as well as appearing on millions of popular shareware CD compilations.

The Jared “toy”, as they called it, was utterly obnoxious. However, therein lay its charm. Jared’s song was bad enough in and of itself, but the program allowed users to open multiple copies at once amplifying the annoyance exponentially. Many of Jared’s fans, including this author, were students who loved nothing more than to blast Jared’s voice out of school computers.

As Jared’s popularity rose, Freeverse responded with the release of his first, and only, album, “Touching You, Touching Me, Touching Them”. The CD sported the trademark yellow face and contained such original works as “Bird House Baby”, “Free Ballin’”, and of course “Al Gore: The Vice President Of Love”. One can only wonder what may have come Jared’s career had the 2000 U.S. election ended differently.

Jared’s success continued to grow throughout the nineties. Freeverse went on to create a version of Jared which ran on the Windows operating system; expanding the reach of his voice to nearly every computer in the world. Shortly there after, in 1998 Jared signed his first, and only, television contract for a Block Buster Video commercial. Block Buster’s revenues have been suffering ever since.

By the late nineties Jared’s “Luna de Xelaju” had lost a lot of steam. In response, Freeverse created Jared Choir. Jared Choir automated the multiple Jared feature of the original, including four lip-syncing yellow heads. Jared fans were unimpressed at the Choir’s lack of originality. They had begun to loose faith in their super-star. Several months later Freeverse released Christmas With Jared, now sporting a Santa hat, blinking lights and an original Christmas song. But it was too little too late, fans had moved on to new web-based annoyances such as the Hamster Dance.

Jared continues to perform to this day. His windows counterpart still runs fine in XP. In 2002 Jared made a comeback on the Mac. Going back to his roots, an OSX version of the original singing face was released. Today Jared still maintains a prominent position in the Freeverse library.

And so, this review shall close with that immortal salutation of Jared…
Ba ba.

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